Waiting.

That seems to be all I'm doing. I know it's not the best attitude to have, but I always feel like I am waiting for my "real life" to start. I think of every year as a transition. I'm ready to know when that will end. But I'm not there yet.

So I wait.

Say a Prayer for Dora

It's funny how things make you think. My 1996 Explorer (Dora) showed yet another problem this week and is still in the shop. I love my car. Sometimes I think I want a new one, but really I'm okay driving this one for longer. I don't want to buy a car because buying a car is a commitment. That means I have a stable enough job to pay for it and a stable job makes me feel trapped. I'm back to my same old problem of not knowing where I want to go or what I want to do next.

I really miss the adventure of living abroad. Not every day in Japan was fun. Some days were frustrating, some were lonely, but overall I really, really miss living there. The last five months or so were incredible. I miss Osaka. I miss the church. I miss the food. I miss the language. I miss the culture.

These thoughts led me to do a little job searching today. I know that's the last thing my parents want to hear. I'm sure they want to me to put down some roots here in Fayetteville where they are. I just don't know if I can do it, though. I need more.

I wish I could find a job that I'm passionate about that pays. I mean actually pays. No support raising. I still have debt. I want to be financially responsible. But should I really have to give up on my passions to do so? I don't know. Maybe I need to for a few years. But I feel like there has to be SOMETHING else out there for me. I'm just not sure where to start looking.

Dora needs to last a little longer. I need her to buy me a little more time to figure things out.

Reminder

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Catch Up

I have been back in the US for five months already. It's been hard to believe. My life in many ways is very different from a year ago, but some things remain the same. I hope I say in a year, though, that things have changed a lot. Bring on 2011.

I'm back living at home for the first time since high school. It's nice to be with family again, but I do miss my independence.

My degree is finally being put to use in a real way as I am teaching ESL in four public schools. Work has taken over my life. I love my kids. I love that they come from all over the world. They are all so beautiful and make me long to travel and see all the places they come from. I learn a lot from them everyday.

I'm still struggling with finding my calling, though. I read an article the other day that encouraged twenty-somethings to go back to school and/or change careers--that it's okay, that it's even normal. I just don't know how practical that is for me. I don't want to be in debt for forever. I'm not sure how to pay for more school and I'm not sure what career I would want to change to. All I know is that my heart is the happiest when I am serving. Maybe that's the missing piece right now. Maybe my job is fine for making money, but I need to find a way to serve.

I miss working in ministry. My life is very selfish right now. I don't give my time or resources to much of anyone. I've been so overwhelmed with work that I've shut down all other parts of my life. I feel stagnant. This year I need a Bible study and a new way to serve--things that I just haven't found yet in Fayetteville. I've found a great church and the friends are coming along, but I need more. I need a more outward focus.

I'm not much of a resolution maker, but here's what I want out of 2011:

1. Wisdom. I want to shed my stubborn ways and reject folly (in the language of Proverbs).

2. Joy. Real joy. I have always, always, always struggled with being content in all circumstances.

3. Love. I want to more fully embrace God's love for me and then show that love to all people around me.

4. Health. I want to feel better and to have more energy to better serve other people.

So this year I will not dwell on the past. Rather, I will focus on now and prayerfully anticipate what is to come.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

It's crazy how much life can change in a few short months. I have to admit, my first 6-7 months in Japan were not so great. But now, I am really considering trying to stay for another 6-7 months. It's been in the back of my mind for a month or two now, but just this week it became a much serious thought. In order to do so, several things would have to fall into place: a new job, someone to sponsor a new visa, and a new apartment, and a refunded/postponed plane ticket. And all that would have to happen in six weeks' time. Whew. I know that if this is of God, then all of that is most definitely possible. So that's where I am at the moment--questioning. Is this of God or is this my own desire? My main reason for wanting to stay is to enjoy church and become more involved there and to get to know Japan--and more specifically Osaka--better. Soooo, if I don't stay, I'll be moving in with my parents in Fayetteville, NC, which is a place completely unfamiliar to me. At this point I'm looking toward no job, no friends, no church. Again, I know that if that is where God is sending me for a time, that all of those things will come together. I'm not worried about that. Basically, though, while it would be good to spend time with my parents, there is nothing else drawing me to Fayetteville at this point. Which leaves me to feel, why not stay in Japan? I'm young, I'm single, and I'm free. I really do have a heart for these people now. I can see myself here longer term in the future. So why not spend as much time here as I possibly can? I can learn more about the culture, life in the city, another type of job, and hopefully some more of the language--all in addition to building more and deeper relationships at church. Whoever reads, this I would love your prayers right now. And we'll just see where God leads!

I Love Japan.

It's official. I do love Japan. I am not ready to leave. But I can feel in my heart that I might very well be back one day. Even if I'm not, I will not lose hope for this country. I think an awakening is coming. And it will start with my generation. It is so encouraging to see so many young Christians at church. They are going to revitalize this culture and this nation. I know it. I hope I can come back and be a part of it one day. I don't know when, where, or how. But I trust that God is bigger than my understanding. God is sovereign over Japan. God can break the traditions that are holding these people back. His light can overcome the darkness here. God wins.

Once again, Passion was an amazing experience in my life--but not in Atlanta this time. In Tokyo! Woohoo! I didn't know it was coming until about 36 hours before it started--but God provided and I made it. Such a huge blessing to see so many people with a vision for God in Japan. Less than 1% of the population are Christians here....but that number is increasing. I hope it will explode one day soon. Young people don't even know what they're looking for yet, but I hope that soon they will realize that God is the answer to all the questions on their hearts. The Japanese people are already so amazing. Just imagine how awesome they will be when they know Jesus. They won't be stopped.

Really?

Life is finally becoming comfortable here. Not only have I begun to enjoy doing certain things by myself, but I am finally meeting people. I am getting more involved in a church in the city, and that is great. I am finally meeting people my age--and on top of that they are Christians. So awesome. The downside to all of this is that I'm leaving in three and a half months.

So April has been good. A few weeks ago, I had three days off work. So I went to Osaka Castle, an awesome park in Tondabaya City, and Arashiyama. The next weekend brought the height of the cherry blossoms. On Saturday, I went to Tsurumi-Ryokuchi Park in Osaka with people from church. Then Sunday was Easter--also a good day with people at church. On Monday, I went to Himeji Castle. It was interesting, but there were sooo many people. I hate crowds.

Last weekend, I had a few guys from the States stay with me on Thursday and Friday night. I then ended up catching a ride to Hiroshima with them on Saturday. It's interesting to experience other parts of Japan. I don't realize how used to Osaka I am until I get out. Anyway, Hiroshima is a nice city and obviously has an interesting history due to WWII. The Peace museum was definitely a good experience. Of course, most of the perspective is from the Japanese side, but I think it does show the facts and the decisions leading to the decision of the U.S. to drop the A-bomb on Hiroshima and end the war in a pretty fair way.

So, ten more days until Golden Week. Even though I can't afford to really go anywhere, I am definitely looking forward to the break.