When my thoughts catch up with me...

I really wish I could make myself go to bed at a decent time when I have to get up early. Instead, night is when my mind comes alive. This is usually when I waste hours dwelling on the past or the future. I either get nostalgic or dreamy. One thing is certain, though. I don't accomplish anything for the present. I don't know why I am like this. Why do I spend so much time wishing for what I don't have--whether I've had it in the past or merely hope for it in the future?

I am at an interesting point in my life right now. I don't know where my home is. I've left behind the place I called home for the last ten years of my life--even though I never really felt like I belonged there. Is home where my family is? For now, then, I guess home is in Georgia. I don't know anyone except my parents, though.

I don't know who my friends are. I have very few friends that I keep in touch with from high school. I still have some from college, though. I just don't talk to them or see them much. They're already fading into memories more than anything else--which I hate. Here in Booneville, I have Amy. Our lives will go in opposite directions in a month and a half. Besides Amy, I have community members, most of which who are a great deal older or younger than myself. Who knows if/when I'll see them after April 27th? I'll move onto North Carolina for the summer and make more temporary friends. And then onto Japan...where I won't even speak the language making it difficult to connect on the deeper level that my soul longs for.

My life is tentative.

I know it sounds cliche, but I wouldn't trade my life's experiences (at least most of them) for anything. They have made me who I am today--whoever that is. Most days, I am completely unsure of myself. What have my 23 years of experience made me? It's hard to tell. The only constant people in my life are my parents. Nobody but them has seen the whole picture of my life, and sometimes I am not sure that they can zoom in on the details. I'll keep searching. I am finally beginning to wrap myself around who I am in God at least. And that is what is most important about me.

I realized a few months ago that I have never really committed to anything in my life that I couldn't see an end to--school, jobs, relationships. What does this mean? Is it a sign of what God is calling me to? Always changing, always moving, always growing? I mean that's great and everything, but I'm getting to the point in my life where I desire at least a little constancy. I think what I really desire is not to "settle down," but rather just to have a constant person to be always changing, always moving, always growing with me. A ton of my friends are engaged/married/having kids. I'm so happy for them, but it makes me wonder what God has in store for me. I have all these pictures in my head...will any of them ever become reality? I hope so. I don't think God would give me these desires if they weren't to be fulfilled. God is good. God is faithful. God is loving. God knows me better than I know myself. I'm just getting a little impatient. That's all.

I think I'm most lonely at night.