Just another blog about not knowing what to do with my life.

So, for months now--and by months I mean almost 2 years--I have felt stuck. I keep waiting for some major life-changing event that will give me fresh perspective, genuine contentment, and recognizable joy. The fact of the matter, though, is that things have changed. Since this time in 2008, I've lived and/or worked in 7 cities, 5 states, and 2 countries. Why then do I feel like my life has been paused?

I'm always wondering what's next. I'm always exploring my options. I don't know where I want to live or what I want to do, but what I do know is that I crave relationships--whether they be new ones, old ones restored, friendly ones, or romantics ones (well, rather, one). I crave authentic Christian community. I crave an emotional, spiritual, and social support system. I think my current lack of relationships may be what is causing these feelings of malcontent.

I ask myself on a daily basis what in the world I am doing in Japan. Spending a year here was not something particularly on my list of things to do in my early 20's. Yet here I am. Granted, I did want to go somewhere abroad. I've always been fascinated by other countries and other cultures. I've also been drawn to foreign missions for many years now. I personally felt that I needed a year to test myself under these circumstances. I worry, though. I worry whether this year was God's will or mine. God's will is such a mysterious thing, though. Where do you find that line between God's will and your own? Between His omniscience and omnipotence and my free will--which He, as my Creator, gave me. My brain turns to mush when I try too hard to think about it. So I worry. And I wonder.

Regardless, I can at least partially see what God is teaching me through this experience. He is teaching me to be more independent, more bold, and more confident (both in myself and in Him). These lessons have had a strange effect on me, though. I think I've turned into more of an introvert. While I often wish I had more friends here, I am more often content doing things on my own. I feel awkward ALL THE TIME, though, and long for someone to share the awkwardness with.

God is also showing me how far away I am from surrendering myself to Him. I have trouble letting go. WHY? I want more passion. I want to experience more love. I want to SHOW more love. God is the best source. God is the only source. I feel He has called me to live a missional life. What am I saying? Of course He has--all Christians are called to live a missional life. BUT I feel like He has put desires in my heart to become a career missionary one day. I am SO far from being ready, though. It is time to break my habits of apathy and unproductivity and to trust God's promises.

As 2 Peter 1:3-8 says,

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; an to brotherly kindness love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.